If you find yourself in Holland

This past weekend at Elevation, Pastor Steven read a poem by Emily Perl Kingsley titled “Welcome to Holland” (see below)  Note that I’ve changed a few lines… see the orignal here.

When you think about where your life is headed, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.

The poem above was originally written about having a child with a disability.  However, to me, the symbolism of this poem has a much further reach. The feelings that the author has about an unmet expectation can be applied in many life situations. Friendships that have ended, health scares, marriage crumbling, job, kids, money, etc… the list can go on and on.

For me, this poem hits home in many ways.  I’m not really where I had planned to be. Don’t get me wrong… I LOVE my life. I’m at a good place, surrounded by amazing people, part of an organization (www.lovegrows.org) that I feel so passionately about, and stronger in my faith than I’ve ever been.  But sometimes, when I wake up feeling sick, nauseous, and exhausted thanks to my illness, I feel like the lady in this poem.. frustrated that my life isn’t what I had dreamed it would be.  Having a chronic illness was never in my picture of life.  See, I too thought I’d be in Italy and I found myself in Holland. 

I’m approaching 3 years of living with Type 1 Diabetes. I still have days that I long to be in “Italy.”  I long to not have to prick my finger, carry juice or calculate carbs 24/7.  I want to go to a late dinner and actually eat with my friends (instead of eating beforehand b/c my body needs it).  If I’m honest, it’s still hard.

After a great weekend of feeling relaxed and healthy, I’m not doing well today. I’m tired and a little down. I never thought life would be easy but I never planned on the never-ending battle that I now face. I’m just in a different place. 

The good news is that the longer that I’ve been in my “Holland,” the more I’ve learned that although today is a little stormy, flowers will bloom tomorrow.  I now know that beauty is still found here. The idea of “Italy” is still painful, but Holland has it’s perks.  Who knows… I may even come to love Holland one of these days.  Even though my body may fail me… God never does and he is with me always.

 Anyway, the poem really helped me so I hope it can encourage any of you who planned on going one place and found yourself in another. Keep the faith and find the beauty in the now

Happy Monday!

But the Lord stood with me and gave me strength

            ~ 2 Timothy 4:17a

A Year in Review

2012 has come and gone in the blink of an eye.  As I look back on the last 365 days of my life, I can’t helped but feel blessed.  In church, we’ve been discussing banner years.  2010 was a banner …

A letter to my mom

For my mom’s 61st birthday, I decided have her family, friends, co-workers and even old high school classmates write letters to my mom sharing a favorite memory or sharing why my mom means a lot to them. I’ve decided to share mine:

Mom,

Words can’t even begin to express how much I appreciate you and how incredibly blessed I feel to have you as a mother.  You’ve had and continue to have a profound impact on my life and I’m so grateful that out of all the mothers in the world, God gave me you.    

We both know that ever since the beginning I was a mama’s girl.  I was attached to your hip, always holding on to your leg or insisting that I sit on your lap.  I loved having you teach right down the hall at my elementary school (even though I did NOT like the principal pinching my cheeks and random kids feeling like they knew me b/c you were their teacher).   I’ll always remember how outgoing and fun you were as a Drama Mama leader of the Drama Club.  At that age,  I found you incredibly embarrassing but today I’m fond of those memories of you dancing around on stage and making a fool of yourself.  It’s taught me to have fun with life and not take myself too seriously.

 It was also during this time that I first saw how big your heart was.  I remember taking kids to Carowinds with us and dropping off clothes at a  student’s house because her family couldn’t afford it.  I am grateful that even from an early age, you taught me compassion and how to care for other people through your example.   Thank you for always telling me that I am beautiful even when I was going through my awkward middle school braces stage and didn’t feel beautiful.  You always taught us to see the best in others and respect ourselves. 

And then came the teenage years… Even though my smart mouth didn’t always express it, as a teen I was still your girl… just with a little more spunk and a know-it-all attitude.  The grace, love, and patience that you showed me during my “independent” years was God sent. Thank you for always making sure that we were as involved with church and school activities as we wanted to be.  Taking us to  multiple cheerleading practices, chorus concerts, youth group outings, football games, etc. couldn’t have been easy for a single mom but you always put us first.

Billy, Ashley and I couldn’t have asked for a more supportive mom. You have always been our biggest cheerleader and fixer-upper when things went wrong. I’ve never once felt like I couldn’t come to you with a problem.   I remember being let go from my radio job and being devastated.  Your words were “How exciting! Just think about how many options and new opportunities you now have time for!”  It was a light on a bad situation and exactly what I needed to hear.  That is who you are.. a positive light in my life.

In the recent years, I know it’s been especially hard for you to watch me get sick and have no way to fix it. You’ve said that you would take away the disease and have it yourself if it meant me being healthy.  I know you mean that but you just being there helps.  You have been my rock during many difficult times.  Thank you for that.   

So mom,  know that I love you so much and I’m proud to be your daughter.  When the day comes for me to become a mother, I hope that I’m at least half the mom that you were to us. 

Love you,

Oogie

Learning..

Start where you are.  Use what you have.  Do what you can.

As I type this post, my hands are shaking, my sugars are 59, and I’m experiencing a drastic low and what can best be described as a hot flash.  My brain is clear, but I’m weak in the midst of a cold sweat.  I’m battling the current situation with an apple and peanut butter (seriously the BEST tasting thing ever when I’m experiencing a low) and I’m confident that I’m on the rise back to “normal”.

Two hours ago, my meter read 505 (5 times what is considered good) and I was hazed and falling asleep.  I have to admit that the cause of this particular high was me… I had dinner and included a few more carbs than normal because I had plans to meet my new running buddy at Freedom Park and didn’t want to bottom out on the run around the “booty loop”.. a 5k path around a Charlotte neighborhood near my apartment.  Unfortunately, the small banana disagreed with me a little more today and shot me up higher than I thought it would.  So, I gave myself a little insulin and started the run around 416  and ended at 146. Drastic drops like these are pretty crazy.. and the reason why I avoid working out without a partner these days.. it’s also the cause of fear that has stopped me from lacing up my sneakers and hitting the pavement multiple times during the past two years.  The fear has paralyzed me in the past, keeping me from doing something that I love but I’m done being scared.  I am, however, still trying to figure out how to get back into the “swing” of things without my sugars swinging too.  I’m slowly testing what my body can handle.   Sometimes I feel like a toddler taking her first steps.  At times, I know I’ll fall… but I’m looking forward to the day I can run again.  It’s inspiring and encouraging to see people who’ve had Type 1 Diabetes for years now and are running marathons and going to extremes.

August 2nd will mark my two-year anniversary with Type 1 Diabetes.  I can’t believe that it’s already been two years.  Unreal. While I do feel the weight of carrying this disease in my mind and body 24/7 over the last 730 days, the day I was diagnosed still feels like yesterday.    I’m planning something on the  afternoon of my anniversary that will help me reclaim the day (more on that later).  Last year was a struggle and I refuse to be sad again like I was that day.  Instead, I choose to celebrate… life, strength, and lessons learned.

What’s really cool about keeping a blog like this is that it’s a great reminder of God’s unfailing love and what He can carry us through.  I still have bad days… in fact, most days aren’t grand healthwise but thankfully,  new days come and I’m reminded that God always comes through.  He has shown up in so many BIG ways… He’s placed the exact people who I’ve needed in my life at precisely the right time.  He’s opened my eyes to new experiences and even other people’s struggles.  He’s given me peace and comfort when no one else could.  For that, I am grateful.

New Season

Flowers are blooming, people are on the streets, and the sun is hanging out for a little while longer each day… a new season is here!

Not only is it a new season in terms of the weather, it’s a new season in my life as well.  To catch you up a little, life has been busy.. the great kind of busy.  In March, I traveled back to Uganda for my 2nd time with LoveGrows.  This year was different… in an amazing way.  For starters, the kids remembered my name from the year before.  The first kid who came up and say “Miss Alyson!” made me melt.  I was able to spend a lot more time getting to know the children this year.  I adore those kids.  It was also amazing to see the change that has occurred on the school grounds.  This was so important for our team to see.  Why?? Well, I’m not going to lie and say that running a nonprofit is all fun and games. Every week, we spend our free time doing work to keep the organization going and at times this can be stressful and not very rewarding.  However, being in Uganda and actually seeing the drinking well, walking by the new latrines, being in a room with 800 chickens,  holding the hands of children who are stronger and healthier than a year before and knowing that we played a small part in making it happen makes all the difference.  It’s like hitting a refresh for my soul.  Visiting Uganda reminds us all what our purpose is.

Another exciting development is that CRAVE Charlotte launched.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with CRAVE, it’s a national publication that features women-owned businesses in your city that you should know.  Through this project, I was able to connect with some amazing women and in turn, my photography business was featured along with LoveGrows, in the book.  I now have a very cool new coffee table book!!

Click Here to view the spread ——>  Alyson Willis Photography CRAVE

I started a new job two weeks ago.  You are now looking out the new Marketing Communications Coordinator for Hedrick Gardner in Charlotte.   For me, this job change was exactly what I needed. A fresh start in my field.  A job where I can grow and be challenged.  And a new group of co-workers who don’t all know how hard the last couple of years have been or that I’m sick.  I miss my old co-workers but that change was needed and so far, the job has lived up to my expectations.  I’ve enjoyed my new environment and the people in it.

And lastly, for any of the DOC readers… it’s a season of healing.  The diabetes management has not gotten any easier but over time I’ve become stronger and better at dealing with all the things that come with it.  The ignorant comments of others no longer bother me.  And more importantly, I’ve stopped defending this crazy condition to others and stopped beating myself up for having a bad sugar day… they will always come and they will go.  I’m ok with that.  I’m also ok with needing to talk about those bad days.  I won’t apologize for it.   It’s my day to day reality (Right now I’m up at 5 am trying to get a high blood sugar down to normal).  Everyone talks about their lives.  For example, have you noticed that when someone’s planning a wedding or traveling somewhere exciting that it’s all they talk about?  Sure,  that’s great .. it’s what’s going on with them. For whatever purpose, I know that I was meant to have type 1 diabetes and I was meant to connect with others that do as well.    I think God wants me to show my scars and be ok with them.  It’s a good reminder of what He alone can get us through.   Ps.. I love the Hey Girl movement.. and this one. #marryme

Life lessons of a 28 year old…

Yes, I’m 28.. and this post in no way means that I think I know everything, but life is a learning process and everyone discovers different things along the way.  Here’s 28 truths I’ve come to know:

1. Attitude is a choice.  In life, things will happen that you cannot control.  But what you can control is how you react to things.  When you make an effort to find joy in every situation and learn from the hurt, your whole life will change.  I promise.

2. Success means more than making money- I used to think that in order to be successful I had to have a high paying job or at least a high status one.  While this may measure one element of success, I’ve learned that true success in life is much bigger than career aspirations.  One of my favorite quotes of all time comes from Emerson.  He states, “To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”  The truth is, at your funeral, your loved ones probably won’t be talking about how much money you make.  Instead, they’ll speak about HOW you lived your life and what kind of person you were.

3. Family is everything. And you only have one… Simply put, they are the ones that no matter what, will be there.  Don’t take them for granted.

4. Money is NOT everything.  I work in the Trust and Estates department for a law firm where some of the wealthiest clients come in to sign their wills.  One day, an older gentleman came in.  He had just recently lost his wife and one of his daughters in two separate instances.  He sat there and spoke about how he had taught at the best universities in the world, had more money than he knew what to do with, and had every physical object he desired, but how that didn’t mean anything.  ”The women in your life,” he said, “are what make life rich.”  

5. “Me” time is essential  Take time for yourself.  This sounds simple enough, but if you are a people pleaser like me, you know that this can be difficult.  Learning to say no to other things and yes to myself has been hard, but it’s incredibly important to take the time you need to just “be”.

6. Your health is your life.  It seems obvious, but until I got sick I never realized how much how you feel physically affects every single aspect of your life.  If you’ve ever come down with the flu, you know how that changes your day and limits what you can do.  Now imagine having the flu for months or even years.. working through that barrier to live a ”normal life” can be crazy. 

7. Honesty is still the best policy- One of the things I love about children is how honest they are… at least until we teach them not to be.  As I get older I appreciate the people who have the honesty of a child-that tell it how it is… This does not mean that it’s ok to be rude… But if you are sincere, people will notice.

8. You should ALWAYS dance. always always always always.. it’s good for the soul… the rhythm is going to get you and you should let it.

9. It’s important to fail.. and fail well.  Failure is a part of life… everyone does it.  Learning to be a gracious loser and how to get back up after a fall is essential. 

10. People will always relate to the human part of you far more than the perfect part of you.  Have you noticed that? I always thought it was better to appear perfect and together but looking back I think that pushed more people away than drew them near… Perfect isn’t relatable b/c no one is.  Realizing that is one of the most freeing things you can do.

11. Giving back is one of the best things you can do for YOURSELF.  I found that one of the most rewarding things you can do is give to others.  When you do, it helps get your own priorities straight by remember what’s important.  Plus, there’s nothing better than seeing the smile of someone you’ve helped.

12. Kindness plus hard work will take you further than intelligence. 

13.   If you ever feel alone in any circumstance or situation, go online.  It’s true.  If I’m ever feeling misunderstood about living with type 1 diabetes i simply type #diabetes on twitter, instagram or google and I’m reminded that I am not alone and that many people are going through the same thing I am.  It justifies what I’m feeling in the moment and helps me get through.

14. Being grateful makes all the difference. Gratitude takes what you have and makes it more than enough.  It’s easy to feel entitled to have things.. But when you realize that everything you own is not guaranteed and it’s truly a gift, it changes your daily outlook for the better.

15. Beauty is all around you. It really is everywhere.  I notice this especially around Christmas.  Sure, there’s a lot of hurt and evil in the world, but more powerful than any of that is the kindness and hearts of others.  It’s hard not to find stories of charity, sacrifice, and honor when you pay attention to those around you.

16. People will disappoint you at some point. You’re human and I’m human so with that comes disappointment. Learning that people (including myself) are flawed has been freeing. 

17. Everyone deserves a 2nd chance but maybe not a third one. This goes with number 16 above. People disappoint. People make mistakes. They deserve 2nd chances… I’m glad I’ve gotten some and definitely glad that I gave others them as well.

18. Time is Limited.  After the death of Apple’s Steve Jobs, an old video surfaced of him giving the commencement speech.  The whole speech is amazing (I highly recommend that you watch it) but one of the things that really sticks out to me is this: Steve states, “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” …I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.”  Your time is limited too.. on earth and with everyone you encounter.  Are you ok with how you are using it? If not, don’t settle… change something.

19. True friends are hard to come by.  A hard fact about life is that when things get tough some people run.  In the end, it leaves you with the ones that you know will always be by your side.  

20. You can never love someone too much.  This is actually something that I’m taking from my sister.  Recently, when asked about marriage advice during our brother’s rehearsal dinner, she said that in marriage it’s important to continue to be affectionate and show love everyday… Life will cause you to be busy but to never that love for granted b/c you can never love too much.  

21. Everyone you meet is better than you at something. With that being said, it’s more beneficial to listen than talk.  If you listen, you have the chance to learn something new from someone who might just do it better.

22. Yelling always makes things worse. Patience and thinking before you speak may hard in the moment of conflict but it will always make things easier in the long run.

23. It’s ok to not be ok… If life is throwing you curveballs and getting you down, it’s ok to NOT be ok.  You don’t have to be sunshine and rainbows when you are stuck under a storm cloud and the world is crumbling down on you.  It is completely ok in those moments to grieve, to be angry, to be confused, to be frustrated, to not be ok… as long as you come out of it sooner or later.

24. You’re destiny can be a day away.  I’ve spoken with a couple of people who say that they are envious that I do photography and work with Lovegrows and wish they had something that they felt passionate about and felt like they were meant to do.  Yes, I love photography and LoveGrows.  I truly feel like those two things are a big part of what God wants me to do on earth, but the thing is, I only began to discover this about two years ago.  Who knows what you’ll discover about your journey in the days, hours or even minutes ahead.

25. Comfort will hold you back.  I don’t believe that we are meant to be comfortable in our lives.. at least not completely.  Comfort can keep us in a safe place, in the same job, doing the same old thing day after day.  I believe we are called to take leaps of faith and sometimes wander outside of our comfort zone.  As they say, with big risk comes big reward. 

26. Everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.  Everyone.

27.  Writing helps.  I can’t tell you enough how therapeutic it is to just get things down on paper.  When I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes a year and three months ago, writing helped me get through it all.  It also helped to read what others had written about their experiences/life with the disease.  It let me know that others understood even though those directly around me didn’t.  Plus, it’s also encouraging to look back at the times when I was at my lowest and see that things worked out ok.

28.  God is Good… all the time.  When things are good, God is God and God is good.  When things are bad, God is STILL God and God is STILL good.

There goes.. I could go on and on but I’m not sure you’d stick with me for 28 more… Feel free to leave a comment and let me know what you’ve learned. 

Merry Christmas, Everyone!!!

Craving something beautiful

CRAVE: : to have a strong or inward desire

We all crave something. What do you crave?

Whether it’s chocolate, affection, status, money or love.  There are things in this world that we long for… things we desire.   Right now, I feel myself lacking… craving something that is missing in my life.  The void started as a soft yet persistent whisper drowned out by my circumstances..  but now it’s a shout, one I can’t escape.   I’m craving something beautiful.

This past year has been a self discovery like no other.  It’s left me strong in who I am, but has shaken many relationships and how I view people in general.   You always hear that when you go through something bad, you find out who your true friends are.   During a struggle, you find out where people stand.  I think that’s true in most instances, but I also have found that people who have never experienced something hard, simply don’t know how to handle those who have.   There’s a lack of understanding that comes with having it “easy”. 

While I love my friends more than words can express and I’m headed uphill health wise, I still have days where I find myself tired.  Tired of having to explain my actions or my disease.  Tired of feeling like I’m fighting this alone.  Tired of feeling tired 24/7.  

So what am I craving? A nap maybe? Sure, that would help.  But I need more.  I crave honesty, i crave laughter, I crave protection.  I crave the knowledge that someone will always have my back.   I crave direction.  I need to know that all the effort is heading towards something.  That the hours I spend editing pictures, or working with LoveGrows is worth it.   There’s no doubt in my mind that it is, but I’m ready for it to work out.  I’m ready to jump and take a chance.  I know that God knows what He’s doing.  He has a plan for my life and he’s tearing me down and getting rid of people/things that will keep me from being the person he wants me to be.   So while I crave something more, I take comfort in knowing that God knows the desires of my heart… in fact, He put them there.  So although I’m craving more,  I take comfort in knowing that those cravings are with me for a reason because more is in store for me.  Meanwhile, I’m learning to appreciate the beauty in my present time and place.

Awareness

Alyson, insulin is now following you.

If you have an iphone, you may be familiar with a photography program called Instagram where you can post pictures, view your friends’ pictures, and others can follow and comment on your photos. 

Today, the kickoff Diabetes Awareness Month, I looked down at my phone to see that “insulin” was following me on instagram.  With November 1st being Type 1 Diabetes Day, I couldn’t help but laugh.  It’s true, insulin follows me daily, I can not escape it.. it is a constant in my life and a something I’m eternally grateful for.

So here we are, Diabetes AWARENESS month.  In the last year plus, it’s become very clear how little knowledge exist in the general public about what Type 1 Diabetes is.  This can make life extremely frustrating for someone in the mist of the diabetes war.  Diabetes by no means defines me, but it is a vital part of who I am now and for that reason, I’ve chosen to never be silent about the daily struggles I face with this chronic and temperamental disease.   Instead, I strive to share my story and what I’ve learned with anyone willing to listen. 

The biggest part of awareness is just learning the facts.  What is type 1 diabetes? How does it affect the body and what are the warning signs? Can someone live a normal life with diabetes?

So, to kick off the month, I’m posting some tidbits that I found through other medical blogs, websites, etc…  that many of you may not necessarily know about Type 1 Diabetes.  I know I sure didn’t.  Here goes:

1. Type 1 Diabetes is an autoimmune disease in which the body’s immune system attacks and destroys the insulin producing cells in the pancreas.  

2.  No one knows exactly what causes type 1 diabetes.  However, it IS known that it is NOT caused by poor diet or lack of exercise.  Scientists believe that both genetic and environmental factors are involved.

3.  In 1922, the first human patient was injected with insulin.  This saved his life.  Before insulin, a person with diabetes rarely lived over a year after diagnosis.

4.  Sugar in your blood is like shards of glass scraping your arteries.  The scrapes will heal with scar tissues that causes blockages.  These blockages lead to amputations, neuropathy, heart attacks, stroke, and kidney failure.

5.  Diabetes can result in Dead in Bed syndrome.  This is when a person with type 1 diabetes is found dead in the morning in an undisturbed bed after having been observed in good health the day before.  No cause of death can be established.  This is why it’s hard for people with diabetes to have normal sleep patterns or sleep through the night.

6.  People with type 1 diabetes can EAT ANYTHING THEY WANT!!!  As long as they bolus insulin appropriately based on the number of carbohydrates in the food, nothing is off limits.  People with type 1 diabetes should follow the same diet as those without.

7.  In other countries, lack of insulin in the most common cause of death in a child with diabetes.  The life expectancy of a child who has just developed diabetes could be less than a year.  In some parts of the world, people do not have access to insulin and medical care.  Visit LIFE FOR A CHILD to make a difference.

8. Other factors that affect a person’s ability to tightly control their diabetes include:  stress, hormonal changes, periods of growth, physical activity, medications, illness, infections, and fatigue.

9.  Diabetes, at times, can be more of a mental struggle than anything.  There are some days when I don’t feel well and I’m dropping low or shooting high for no apparent reason.  This make me extremely tired, but when you are down and feeling poorly, you wonder if things will ever get better… and then you try again the next day.  And things do get better. 

10.  People living the non-diabetic life can be extremely judgemental and naive towards those of us that are.  Try not to be one of those people.  Unless you are personally going through something, there is no way to know how someone feels or how you would react to that same situation.  If in doubt,  don’t say anything.

11. Diabetics can live normal lives.  It becomes a new type of normal and it can take a lot of adjustments, but there’s nothing that can stop you from living your life! 

Hope this helps shed a little light on life with Type 1 Diabetes.  Check out your local JDRF chapter to see how you can get involved in the fight.

Scars.. guest blog

I found this blog today that really helps… It’s good to see that someone else ”gets” it.

Heidi, The D-Log Cabin

Scars

“Doesn’t it hurt?”

A friend, a coworker, a family member…all asking what they perceive to be such an innocent, simple question. They refer, of course, to the outward rituals surround my disease: lancing a finger for the gluco meter, stabbing my flesh with what must look like the world’s largest needle, the thwwwack of the CGM insertion device against bare skin. It’s a morbid mix of fascination combined with admiration for managing such a difficult disease. (little do they know, diabetes is not fully “manageable”, but still, I give it my best shot)

“No,” I reply. Because truth is, it stopped hurting in that way long ago…round about the thousandth fingerprick, the 4^th infusion set gusher, the 8^th I.V. I am a hardened veteran of the diabetes wars, and most of the time, it feels like most natural thing in the world to do the medical tasks associated with the disease. Physical pain fades,it ceases to be a novel event. It is my normal.

“It really doesn’t.”

But if I were to be perfectly honest, on the inside, it never stops hurting. I hurt for everyone who died too young(from the complications of this disease), who never got the chance to be a doctor or a lawyer or a ballerina. I hurt for the thousands in Third World countries who can’t even afford insulin,& even if they can acquire it, have to ration it in such a manner as to eventually die from complications. I hurt for the many who don’t get understand that going on insulin is not a failure, insulin is life. I hurt for every parent of a child with diabetes, who was told there would be a cure in five years. I hurt that so much false information is out there, and even someone with the best of intentions may be led astray by snake oil salesmen. I hurt for everyone, everywhere, who has been affected by this disease.

And because I am human, I hurt for myself. I hurt for the worry & fear I must cause my loved ones, on a daily basis. I hurt that severe hypoglycemia is an ever-present threat. I hurt for a thousand sleepless nights, dealing with an errant blood sugar. I hurt with guilt. (some deserved, some not)

The scars of diabetes run deep, on both the inside and the outside. People who do not live with diabetes cannot grasp the magnitude of the inner scars…& though physical complications of diabetes grab “center stage”, it is the psychological ones that leave the biggest impact.

My hope is that one day, there will be a cure & both the physical and emotional scars can start to heal.

To read more blog posts by Heidi, visit The D-Log Cabin blog

{10 Things I Hate About You}

Ok… Welcome to Day 4 of Diabetes blog week. 

Here’s today’s assignment:

Having a positive attitude is important… but let’s face it, diabetes isn’t all sunshine and roses (or glitter and unicorns, for that matter).  So today let’s vent by listing ten things about diabetes that we hate. 

The first thing that popped in my mind when I read this assignment was Julia Stiles poem that she read to Heath Ledger in the movie 10 Things I Hate About You.  In the film, Julia’s character writes a poem of “hate” that turns into a declaration of love.  Sorry kids, but this won’t be that kind of list. I do try really hard to be positive but sometimes being diabetic simply sucks and there are days where i want to scream that from the rooftop or paint it up on a billboard on the busiest street in town.  In fact, I’m having a hard time narrowing down the list to JUST ten.  I can write a list 100 items long but I don’t want to get too bitter so ten it is.  Here we go…. a small sampling of the downside of life with Type 1 Diabetes.

10 Things I Hate About You, Diabetes

1. I hate the daily fear…. it’s the worst.  Fear of the unknown, fear of the future complications I’m bound to face (heart disease, nerve damage, kidney damage, depression,etc.),  fear that Type 1 diabetes reduces the average lifespan 5-8 years, fear of dropping low and not having anyone around to help me and fear of forgetting my medicine or miscalculating how much insulin I should take for a meal. 

2. I hate knowing that there is no cure and that the disease is designed to become worse and worse over time.  The idea of increasing my insulin and having a harder time with the condition as I become older can be extremely overwhelming.  Some days it feels like the never-ending struggle that it is.  Some days I really have to overcome the mental battle that’s associated with facing an obstacle that isn’t going away.

3. I hate what I like to refer to as the Diabetic Daze… This occurs when my blood sugars rise and a haze comes over my body.  When this happens, it’s like I’m stuck in that gray area between being awake and being in a dream.  You know it’s real life but everything doesn’t make complete sense… things just don’t click.  During this time I find hard to communicate or get my point across.

4. I hate the lack of knowledge that others have regarding diabetes in general.  I remember when I was first diagnosed, I had so many people telling me about their cousin’s neighbor’s coworker’s dog that was diabetic.  The stories were unreal.  I was so overwhelmed and frustrated hearing about what I should or shouldn’t be doing from people who had no clue what the disease was really about.  PS.. the media does not help this.. have you seen the diabetes commercials?

5. I hate the tingling I feel in my feet and hands… it worries me.

6. HOT FLASHES… yes, hot flashes at the age of 28 and crazy chills.  It’s really embarrassing to be in a social situation and suddenly start pouring sweat.  There’s really no way to hide that.  Not my favorite.

7. I hate that I’m not “normal”.  The truth is, what is healthy for you may not be healthy for me.  In fact, what works for one diabetic might not be what works for me.  Before I was diagnosed, I would eat a bowl of fruit and a cup of tomato basil soup for a meal.  This seems healthy enough, but the amount of carbs and sugars in that combo are enough to send me on a sugar rollercoaster. 

8.  I hate the lack of focus.  Yes, with my job on bad days but mostly I’m referring to my eyes.  My 20/20 vision is no longer present.  This again brings in fear that it may one day damage my ability to do photography.

9. I hate the GUILT.  When my sugars bounce to anything over 200 my doctors, family, and friends get upset but they don’t need to yell at me b/c I am my worst critic.   I feel extreme guilt for not having a better handle on my sugar levels.  Even if I’ve done everything right, I can help but be extremely hard on myself and feeling like a failure.  And, if I ever do splurge on a bite of cake or yes, even a banana or sip of oj I feel horrible. The guilt is always there. 

10. I hate the diabetic jewelry I’ve seen… Until I found a little shop on Etsy that makes customized bracelets… The one pictured below was made for me and I love it… Here’s the link if anyone is interested in getting one made. http://www.etsy.com/listing/73323036/medic-alert-cuff-thin-cuff